rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary

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you're pretty

first thing: heather i would like to apologize for this entry...i am not mad at you at all...this entry is just a way of me to lash out my anger...and i wanted you to know how i felt...

is it possible to forget how it feels to feel good about yourself? today during science this girl ashley was talking to noelle. i wasn't paying attention, i was just staring off into space...and she said to noelle," she's really pretty". kimi overheard their conversation and wanted to know who ashley was talking about. ashley pointed at me and said "she is really really pretty." i smiled. i mean i was flattered. (4 those of you who don't know who i am and don't know what i look like, trust me..i'm really really UGLY)anywho, i smiled cuz she was being nice, but shouldn't i have felt something? like a warm fuzzy feeling? or happy? i smiled, but i was empty. as if i've never felt happiness before in my life. as if i'd forgotten what happiness feels like. it was so weird. i can't describe it any better than that...

i'm gonna explain something that has happened over the past couple of days that best that i can:

ok, here goes. a couple of days ago, heather was on Don's MSN name. when she got off she called him just to say hi or whatever.

he asked,"were you on my MSN name?"

she was like," yah, and i talked to some girl but i told her that it wasn't you"

he said,"thats what i thought"

she didn't understand how the hell he knew that she was on his name bcuz he was at work. so she asked him about it and he said "i have my sources" or something stupid like that. she asked me what i thought of the whole thing. we both thought that he had someone looking out for him or some shit like that. i called him slime cuz i thought he had no right to do that if he had been doing so. so she found out that the girl that she was talking to called a friend of dons and he called don to tell him that someone named heather was on his screen name. don explained that it was his girlfriend. well once that was all fixed and explained heather told him that i called him slime..so he got all pissed at me. and said that i had no right being in their business. first of all, she wanted my opinion so i gave it to her...if he doesn't want me in their business then he better tell her to stop asking me for advice and i won't fuckin' give it to her. so yesterday while we were decorating his room i left an apology(sp)note saying that i was sorrie for calling him slime and shit. well i was talking to heather through email this morning...and i was telling her how i noticed that yesterday when she wanted to spend time with ME all we did was do stuff for don. i don't deny having fun. i did have fun. i was just being honest with her. and she said something like...well i'm not gonna talk to you about this cuz i'm having a good day. all i want to do was tell her how i feel...is that to much to ask? so, does everyone think "ooo, don't talk to the depressed girl...she'll ruin your day", you know? i was upset. like really upset. but anywho...so she told me then that don was still pissed at me even tho i left him a note. hes like ,"well you prolly had to tell her to write that note" and something like i wasn't sincere...and that i'm not a good friend...and that i was just being nice becuz i wanted a ride. you know what...fuck you. bcuz when my knee hurt like a bitch(the days after i came back from being out for a week...my knee was still in really really really bad condition)...who was strong enough to deal with people banging into me and pushing me off the bus...ME! who was strong enough...and who didn't ask for a ride? ME! thank you very much. ok..and what he said hurt. i tried to explain my feelings to heather all day but i could never talk to her long enough. whew...well i know heather reads my diary entries.

so...

3:45 p.m. - 2001-05-10

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