rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::bleeding trees:: So, I know I've said this a million times, but apparently I have to say it a million and one in order to get through to people. Consider this the disclaimer. I want it well known that I will write whatever it is that I want to write in this diary and you DO NOT have to read it. I REPEAT: Don't like what I write, don't read it! This is my diary, I could care less if you think it's less of a diary because it's online. To me, this is my place to vent and tell the truth, to analyze and share my life with other people. If you don't want to be a part of that, fine. It's not my fault if you get pissed about something I write. You're not forced to read what I write. You read my diary, it's nobody's fault but your own if you get pissed. Click the X in the corner. Thank you. Sorry for my little rant. I'm just getting irritated. My diary should not be a life altering decision and I guess I get pissed that it means so much to me. I haven't written in a paper diary since my one and only was stolen from me and then used against me. I then vowed to keep a diary and not be ashamed of it. I shouldn't be. Freedom of speech. It's an option for you to read it. To me, it's an option for me to write in it, and I have no plans to stop anytime soon. This is my only outlet anymore. I do have issues with talking to people about my problems or what I need to vent about, so I do it here. Someone suggested that I could get a "no-name" diary per say, one that is not attached to this one. But my feelings on that are mixed. Why should I have to be no-named, you know? Ray of Memory is my creation, the persona originated from my head and I shouldn't have to give that up, period. Plus, if I got a different diary, I would feel like I was hiding in a way. I would feel like I couldn't say everything I wanted to say anymore. I don't want to have to be cautious to the point that I'm hiding my diary from the eyes of the people it might piss off. Fuck that. Don't read it. I don't want to lock it because that also means I'm hiding my feelings. And if I started writing a paper one, which is pretty much impossible for me because of what happened with the first, I would miss the idea that diaryland gives. The idea that people can read what you've written and relate, whether or not they leave you a note or gbook entry, it's nice just knowing that you're not alone. I'm not going to feel guilty about what I feel. My diary, my feelings, my life damnit. I never said you had to be a part of it. Sorry to all of you who already know this policy and respect it, I <3 you all. On another note, since I'm already ranty, in short, today completely sucked. I'm such a hypocrite and I should just deal with that. Everyone is a hypocrite. I have yet to run into one person who is not, at all. But someone, with the English language we look at be a hypocrite as being a totally bad and unacceptable thing rather than what it really is. A normal thing, or at least I believe it to be. Just another one of human nature's lovely little perks. After a phone call with a friend tonight I realize that I expect too much from others and myself. I expect to be better than others because I'm me. I think of myself as a failure or fuck-up when I make a mistake. Who doesn't sometimes? People make mistakes, I make mistakes, and it is okay. *keep telling myself this* I fear a little too much of the future or things that haven't happened yet. I'm trying to hard to cross bridges that aren't even in my view yet. I feel sometimes that I live my life in obvious denial, I guess you could say. I know it's denial, I just don't do anything about it. I'm in too deep to be saved and half the time I don't want to be saved. I'm a walking contradiction and sometimes it's easier living in the shadows. I admit it, I think I'm a waste. A waste of space, disposable human being, or better off invisible. So what? I can't help the way I feel, and some people feel the same way I do. I think everyone would be better off without me. And maybe I am wrong, but that's how I feel. So yeah. just needed to get some stuff off my chest. Whew. Damn, and I really don't feel that much better anyway. Time for some junk food or a cigarette, or a drink, or some sex. *shudder* Never mind, no sex. 10:34 p.m. - 11.02.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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