rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::detached from reality:: blah. me and mat decided that that was the word of the day yesterday. i think the word of the day today should be damnit. anyways...school was...interesting. i only got three hours of sleep last night. i almost walked out of third hour today. eh, i have a stomach ache right now. my topic for speech is depression and i told my teacher that i've had severe or major depression for two years and counting and she really didn't help my decide if i wanted to add that in my speech or not. she basically said that "i'm not going to make you do something that you really maybe don't feel comfortable telling the whole class. the decision is really up to you". thank you old wise one. last night i was very saddened by the idea that there is only one thing that i can do.(get help) i friend called me...i don't know why but she always seems to call at the right time when i need to talk...she is bipolar. and even tho we have very different illnesses...we still seem to be able to understand one another.-when talking to my speech teacher...i was almost afraid to tell her for fear of what she might do. you know? i'm trying my hardest to go at my own pace at getting help and making decisions to get better. slowly but surely i am doing it. and i guess i was just afraid that she might go to my counsler and tell her a bunch of shit. you know what i mean? i always think the worst...but i was just scared bcuz my counsler is already pressuring me enough and i realized that i need to go at my own pace and i wasn't sure if telling my speech teacher about it would jeopardize that. but so far so good. lately i've been really on edge about the whole thing. i think i really just need to relax...have some fun. i plan on spending time with friends over the next week and stuff...so maybe that will put my mind at ease so i'm not so jumpy. i was reading this book in the library during speech (researching) and it was on teen depression, and i didn't know this but...major or severe depression-they are now considering it a mental illness. now, i didn't know this so maybe it was always considered that and i didn't know it. i guess in some way i knew...bcuz i new it sometimes had to do with a chemical imbalance...but i didn't really think about it i guess...it freaked me out a little bit ...bcuz when people say mental illness i think of 'i never promised you a rose garden'(schizophrenia) or the kids that walk down the hall during class that are in the special ed classes. i guess i just wasn't all that informed...and i didn't realize that it was that big of a deal. it surprised me alot. i guess what they say is true no matter how scary: you learn something new everyday. 4:19 p.m. - 2002-01-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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