rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::so, i'll pick you up eight::(i've had better entries) zach said that to me today as he sat down in the seat infront of me. i love that kid. :) he was kidding...but hes smooth at stuff like that. made me giggle like a school girl. lmao. now thats hard to imagine. being single definitely builds character. you have to figure out ways to love and entertain yourself. (or just plain live with yourself). i don't think i've reached this stage yet. i've just ignored the constant yearn to better myself. but this summer i plan on losing a good amount of weight...so maybe i won't look so unbearable. if i can't live with myself the way i look now maybe theres a chance i can love myself if i look better. i've become comfortable being ugly and fat. when giving a compliment that seems unreasonable..or told that i am not ugly i often take offense to it. well not really offense....just pissed off they felt the need to lie to me. all opinions that say i'm not ugly or fat are biased. thats just the way it is. i don't believe in god, but someone early today said "if you had a chance to meet god and you were told that you could only ask him three questions what would they be?" 1) why are we here?(duh) 2) why would you make people the way they are? 3) why have you made me suffer so much? the third one seems to be unreasonable...but if you were me...you'd understand. i really didn't want to cynical in this entry...but is there any other way to describe this entry. i guess i'm just not having a good day. i questioned alot today. more than usual. love...what a fickle thing. lol. even tho i've never been through anything like it...and after hearing about it...i don't think i ever wanna deal with it. all the bullshit. man. doesn't sound like fun to me. maybe its not love..lust, infatuation..whatever...all hell to me. the major depression i've had for 2 years and a half. has steered me away from ever having to deal with shit like that. along with this illness came the no self-esteem and social anxiety disorder (antisocial pretty much)...and more shit i don't care to talk about. its pretty sad...cuz even if the crush i've had for a while walked up to me tomorrow and asked me out....i'd say no. half out of being scared, half out of no experience and mostly bcuz i wouldn't believe that anybody could love me for me. pointblank period. theres just no way. there'd have to be a catch or bet or dare or something. i actually think i came out pretty well...beside the depression thing...my personality's pretty good (if anyone has a good personality means their ugly, right? yah...i heard that pun.) i have good morals and values...i'm extremely open-mindind. it sucks having a good personality and not looking good. bcuz no one will take the time to get to you. the moment they look at you they've already turned around and started walking the other way when you know if it was based on personality they'd love you to death. yah...well i just realized how much this entry is teenage rambling bullshit (right)? and decided that it should stop here. i have a headache. lol. i wish mat would get his ass online. i wanna talk to him...i wonder where he could be... 4:55 p.m. - 2002-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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