rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

untitled.(true story)

untitled.

*Name has been changed

She doesn't want to remember her childhood and she won't talk about it. In her home for the past 15 years Lavinia Jones* has been living in survival mode. A psychologically damaged mother, a manipulative father and each as physically and verbally abusive as the other one have made this 15-year-old girls life a living hell. When their only daughter didn�t fit the image they had picked out for her, she was punished.

Her parents were married for 22 years but Lavinia believes they were hardly in love during the beginning years. With her parents fighting, screaming, yelling and beating on one another it's hard for her to understand why they stayed together for so long. During their marriage Lavinia's suffering consisted of brutal beatings, mind games, and literal near starvation. When Lavinia decided things might be good enough to let a friend spend the night, there was barely any food in the house. Celery in the fridge and enough ingredients in the pantry to make a small batch of chocolate chip cookies. For maybe the first time in a while Lavinia actually smiled and laughed with her friend as the sweet smell of cookies filled the kitchen. The two realized they would need milk to wash the cookies down with. So leaving the pan of cookies on the top of the stove, they ran to the Express Mart to pick up a half gallon of milk. The smiles and the laughter faded when they returned to find temselves staring at what was a filled pan, now only three cookies. Since then when ever Lavinia spends the night at her friends house they fill her up with food before sending her home, sometimes sending her home with plates of food to hide and eat when needed.

She tried to runaway once but in the end, ended up going back because there was no where to go. Her parents didn't even realize she was gone. At the point she wanted her life to end. But she knew she was far from the end and maybe how close she really wanted to be. By taking a large dose of drugs not specified but that were supposed to end her anguish, didn�t work. Her body rejected the drugs before they could take their toll. She couldn't have have been more willing to die right then.

After 22 years of marriage her parents finally divorced leaving her a path of turmoil to walk. Because of her parents separation she receives twenty dollars a week, if it ever reaches her hands. Before the money makes it to Lavinia her mother might have already spent it to pay off bills or careless spending while shopping for herself. If the twenty dollars did make it to Lavinia it went towards food, clothes, and everyday necessities that her mother refuses to pay for, such as shampoo or toothpaste.

Lavinia believes that there is something seriously psychologically wrong with her mother. Apparently her mother's doctor thought something was wrong with her also, but he made the mistake of prescribing her anti-depressants which she downs with alcohol. In the middle of a conversation on the phone with her friend Lavinia's mother picked up the extension completely wasted screaming, yelling, cussing, and whining at her daughter to get off the phone. Screaming on and on about how her daughter is not responsible. And because she believes this so much that she is not writing the check for Lavinia's drivers training class over the summer. Lucky a friends parents are willing to pay for it. Almost every second of everyday Lavinia is doing things around the house to please her mother. The entire house is spotless when Lavinia cleans, in hope of calming her mother, and in hope of not having to deal with extreme verbal abuse.

She wonders now if her life will ever be calm.