rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::#500:: I originally had this whole life story thing planned out for my #500 entry but I've decided to adapt more current issues in my life to this entry because I find them relevant. Plus I wrote this one in the heat of the moment. I still don't think that this entry justifies my feelings but I don't think that I will ever do my feelings justice. But I still wanted to share a part of it with you. I completely lost it today. I went nuts. I was way beyond the point of being pissed. I was furious. I went off the deep end. I was an emotional basketcase screaming at the top of my lungs and crying in a way which I haven't done since I was little. I have been overly-sensitive lately but that wasn't it. Things spun out of control. One of my close friends tells me about his suicidal tendencies and I knew about them before but I didn't realize the impact it had on me until then. I think I knew before, but I chose not to deal with because I didn't want to be hurt. So I'm dealing with that and I'm already frustrated, worried, panicked, and sad about it and then another one of my close friends gets online and basically tells me the same thing. I lost it. I was at my wits end. I strive to do nothing more than be a good friend and when you talk about killing yourself to me I think "Why is who I am, and what I do not enough to keep this person alive." Like, what more do you want from me? So I got offline and I called him, the second friend. We've gotten in arguments before but I don't think I've ever raised my voice like that or been so stern then when I was on the phone with him today. I was shaking, I was crying and I didn't know what else to do. This person doesn�t see how much he means to be and it frustrates me to no end. We've had conversations about it before but it was like a domino effect tonight. I could not handle it. It was like boom boom boom. And I could not take it. I went insane. He said something a long the lines of, if this is so frustrating to you, if you can't take it anymore, then get new friends. And I said, but that's just it. I can't. That's what you don't see. I can't just drop you guys. I love you more than anything else in the world. It's why I'm angry or sad because I care, because I love you. If I didn't then I could just say, well fuck it, I'm not dealing with it anymore. But I can't. I will love you no matter what. And I think that was the first time where everything became clear. Why I'm so hurt when they say things about killing themselves. Because it seems that no matter what I do, no matter how many times I say it or show it, they just don't see how much they mean to me and that hurts. I asked him what it was that has been bothering him and he said it's the little things. Such as thinking that he'll be alone for the rest of his life or that he's not good at some of the things he does. And I was just like, not to be cocky or bitchy but you're the only one who thinks that. I think he is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I have total belief that he will fall in love with someone perfect for him. There's no doubt in my mind about it. I understand where he's coming from at the same time though. Sometimes I feel like that as well but I realize that I am a teenager and this is high school and to feel that way is normal. Its true what they say, you are your own worse critic. I don't think I ever really paid attention to that motto but it's true. It was just so clear to me at that point. It seems to me that I always start off the conversation not knowing exactly how I feel and I don't what it all means but as the conversation continues things become clearer. I am most definitely not the happiest person on the planet and never claim to be. I was waiting for a defining moment where I would be happy and I expected things to stay that way and that is not how it works. There are going to be times where I am sad I'm just so exhausted from being so depressed all the time. People are waiting for a moment to realize what their purpose in life it. They're waiting for it to fall in their lap. I believe that you are not given a purpose. You are not born with a purpose. You decide your own. And maybe you don't even realize that you did, but I believe you strive for your own. This summer I have decided that I'm going to work hard to be a more healthy person. Physically and mentally. I've been severely depressed for four years now and I'm sick of going through the same cycle over and over again. It�s draining and frustrating and frightening to think that I will be going through this my whole life. We'll I've decided I'm not going to allow that to happen. I'm sure there will be periods of time where I am depressed for whatever reason but I refuse to let my depression run my life. I'm going to start exercising, eating right and figuring out what my "wants" and my "needs" are. I'm not going to wrap myself up in my friends problems in an attempt to run from my own. If anything I want to get in touch with myself. I've tried so hard for years to be someone else and in the process I forgot who I really was. I have to rebuild the person I am. A while ago I was listening intently to what other people thought of me and it's shattered who I am. Well I'm not going to do that anymore. This year has been such a turning point. I can't tell you exactly when it happened because it wasn't caused by one single moment but rather a series of events. The roller-coaster ride that could be better described as this year has opened my eyes. I give most of the credit to my friends who probably don't even realize how much they've taught me. I understand that I have a long way to go. Things aren't going to be magically fixed. It's a lifelong process and I've finally learned to accept that. To Mat, who will always be my best friend and the most amazing person in the world in my eyes. I love you more than life itself. I want to thank you for helping me pick up the pieces of the puzzle in my crazy life. You're the reason I strive so hard to be a better friend and a better person. To Megan, who has pulled me out from the other side. When I looked down the road to where I might be in ten years I didn't like what I saw. I don't want to live in the shadows forever. Thank you for showing me all the potential that I have. To Beth, who probably has no idea why I'm thanking her. lol. Thank you for being the sunshine in my dreary days, for cheering me up when I was down and for showing me how having just a little fun can brighten my day. And for everyone else (you know who you all are!), such as Dianne and Lisa, thank you for being there for me when I needed you the most. Which is always. lol. 11:22 p.m. - 2003-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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