rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary

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::mental decay::

I knew the moment I woke up this morning that I should just stay there. Don't even attempt to get out of bed, or you'll regret it. And I do, along with a lot of other things. I sure as hell don't want to go back tomorrow. If I had a choice I would never go to school again. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. How come this doesn't sound unusual? Should it?

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I've been wrong all along. It seems that everything I know is being challenged. For what reason, I ask. I do not understand. What have I done? Why can't I make things all better anymore? Why must everything come crashing down this way? Is happiness so un-obtainable? I should of known this. I should of seen it coming. But I didn't. For the first time in a long time. But this time almost undid me. It hit hard and fast. I wasn't expecting it. And now I hate the world all over again. I don't know if I can keep doing this, this sick cycle we call Life.

What if things never get better? What if this is as good as it gets? What will I do with myself then? What if I'm always this alone, for the rest of my life? What then? Nothing. Like always. I'll keep going. Sugar coating it all. Until motivation kills me off.

Full Of Grace
by: Sarah McLachlan
the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

Downloading some songs. Taking a break from all the english homework.
"Amazing Grace(live)", sung by Ani Difranco.
"Untouchable Face(live)", Ani Difranco also.
"We Are All Made Of Stars", Moby.
and "Sex and Candy", Marcy Playgound.

There's a couple others I wanted to download, but now I can't think of them. Figures. Maybe some more John Mayer songs. Anything to get my mind off the bullshit.

2:05 p.m. - 2002-10-17

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