rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::when life hands you lemons�make lemonade and have those who care, help:: I have decided to post this comment and email because I think it says and explains a lot. A girl that has a blog that I read frequently expressed feelings that were very familiar to me. I decided to reach out to that person, even though she was practically a stranger to me. Something I might not have done in the past. She wrote an entry pretty much on her depression, was life worth it, and her need for a friend and I couldn't help but feel the need to help this person. This was the comment I left in her comments box: I feel for you so much, because I am a lot like you. I'm 17 years-of-age and last year was the hardest for me. It took me anywhere from 15 minutes to a half an hour to convince myself that it was worth getting out of bed. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I've been dealing with depression for a little over four years now and I am just slightly getting better. But it takes a while. Baby steps. It does sound easier than done, but people that I thought didn't care about me, did. People I barely even knew, I had an affect on. My actions would affect these peoples lives, forever. It was hard to believe at the time. I love my friends and have become extremely close to them these past years. My family means just as much and more. I guess what I am trying to say, is even though I don't you maybe as well as other people, I care. And I don't want to see you do anything drastic or that you might regret. Please email me if you want to talk. And always know�even though it seems like no one out there cares, there will always be a familiar lending hand. She wrote me back, thanking me for my message and telling me more about what she's going through. This is the email I am writing back�and I thought I would share it, because it's relevant: You're welcome. Not only does it mean a lot to know that someone out there cares, it's wonderful for me also, as a person who has gone through the same thing and can help another. As I said before I've been dealing with depression for around four years. I say dealing, and not battling because for the longest time I didn't want to get rid of it until recently. So the battle has just begun. I had been depressed for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. I could smile, but there was no feeling to go along with the smile, besides emptiness. I had felt even more sorry for myself for feeling depressed because I have it so much better than others. I have never had anything traumatic happen to me, in fact, I had a wonderful childhood�it wasn't until I got into my adolescent years that everything sort of became screwed up. I can't even pin-point the exact moment, or experience that made me so depressed�I just, was. I was so lonely, so lost�and sometimes I still get that feeling, even though I know I shouldn't. I mostly didn't want to be cured or free from depression for fear that I wouldn't know what to do, or that I wouldn't ever be able to feel happy. I was afraid I would lose the ability or creativity that I have in my writing. Almost all of my poetry and short stories were depressing, and that was where I had the inspiration in the first place. I love to write, it is my outlet�it is who I am, my passion, and I didn't want to lose that. But I realized, that if my feelings are interperated in my writings�then I can be feeling anything and write about it. And sometimes that's not the case for everyone�some people honestly can't write without be depressed, but I am not one of those people and I am very thankful for that. I am slowly learning to love myself for me. It seems so easy to love other people for who they are, but so hard to look in the mirror with the same state of mind. I still think I'm ugly and fat�but I don't avoid reflective surfaces like I did years ago�so if anything, I'm working on it. I use to take in all the cruel things people said about me and believed them. However, if someone complimented me on my looks, I would shrug it off as bias. I'm learning to actually take the compliments for what they are, instead of thinking the person is lying to make me feel better. Lately I've been pin-pointing what it is that makes me feel happy or better and doing more of those things or surrounding myself with those things. My friends sometimes say I'm easily amused, because I laugh at everything that I think is funny, but if it makes me happy, what does it matter? Humor has become a big part of me. My friends have helped me out more than they probably will ever know. They have helped mold and shape me into the person that I am, and will be. This person who will not give up, surprisingly enough. lol. It's so ironic, I honestly wanted to die for so long�and now suddenly I wouldn't give up my life for anything in the world. My friends have shown me this. My friends mean more to me than my own family. Which is good and bad. My friends are my family�only because I didn't let my family in on what was going on inside. The only family member who has any idea of it, would be my mother, and she has been amazingly supportive and helpful. I am so content with where I am finally�but it took a lot of time and work to get where I am, and I don't think I'm all that close to being completely happy. Although, I don�t think that anyone can be completely happy constantly. I will always be depressed time to time�but I'm getting better. "It's like being stranded in the middle of a desert, lost and alone without anyone to guide you and help you through." I thought that was the best way to explain how it feels�and it does feel exactly like that. I always used to describe it as being at the bottom of a dried up well, I guess I was thinking "rock bottom". It's like, moments where sometimes you feel you've climbed almost all the way out, you're almost there, you've gotten so far�and then you fall all the way back down again and have to start all over. Or to quote the movie Alice and Wonderland, "tumbling down the rabbit hole". But I guess, right when I was at the bottom of the well, someone threw down a rope and started to pull me out. My friends did, my mother, strangers who wrote me encouraging emails or left guest-book messages, all held onto the end of this rope and are helping me climb up until I'm out. "Ironic isn't it, that someone you barely know can be more of a friend than someone you have known and mixed with all your life. One of the saddening facts of life." Well when you put it that way it doesn't sound like such a good thing to me either. lol. I truly think that it is a good thing, that someone you didn't know was looking out for you, is. Someone cares about you. A stranger is holding onto the end of the rope asking you to climb out. And maybe you're thinking someone who isn't even totally out of the hole, is trying to pull me out, how ridiculous. But I would really love to continue our emails�and maybe we can help each other. Even though, maybe, you're are more depressed than me�I can tell you right now, you have helped me already, just by opening up to the idea that someone else stranded, in the middle of desert that has walked into the mirage of happiness, found a friend. Love, Christina I just want to say�Meg, Mat, Dianne and Beth, I love you guys so much. I <3 you all. *Hugs and kisses* for the wonderful human beings you all are. 9:29 p.m. - 2003-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||