rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::If submission #3:: Song of the Moment: "Numb" ~ Pink Sudden Food Craving: Pasta (and I don't know why) If apples become oranges, blue turns red, and nothing is what it seems, how would your reality change? What effect do your assumptions about how the world works have on the meaning you give your life? When I first read this question I realized just how perfect that question was at this point and time. The question posed the idea of 'if your world suddenly turned upside down' in my mind. And that has happened to me more than enough times. Because of my depression my life didn't mean a damn thing to me. I'm currently trying to get back into the swing of things. I still believe I'm not quite out of the frame of mind that 'my life is worthless' and sometimes I don't think I'll ever be completely out of it, but I'm getting better. My depression flipped my life upside down and now I'm just trying to get on the right track again. I've lost myself a number of times and it's hard for people who have never been through it to try and understand the meaning of losing yourself. It's quite easy to fall back into. I was so wrapped up in all of my friends problems. I was dwelling on the past. I was blind to what was happening right in front of me. Which ultimately, turned out to be the worst four years of my life. I was so busy busy busy keeping track of other peoples lives and being there for other people that when it came right down to it, no one seemed to be there for me. I didn't have any shoulder, no one to hold me and tell me it was going to be alright. And it wasn't. I was not alright. I'm still not completely okay. I was not honest with myself. I was running from my problems. My life was out of control and such a blur now when I look back. Life did not seem worth it, so therefor, I was worthless. Invisible. Disposable. And I made it apparent how I felt. Being depressed is still quite comfortable to me, because I have been for such a long time. The way I view life, and how things are going around me has always directly effected my actions, or lack there of. I'm still doing things that I hate and don't want to do anymore but it's hard to catch myself in the act when I'm so used to doing it, when I've stopped second guessing. I don't think twice about things anymore. When I read poems I wrote a while back or diary entries it surprises me how far gone I was. A person I sometimes no longer know. It's like something of the past, when I was just that bad even a little this year. But now it seems like something that happened decades ago, not something that happened a year ago. And like I said before, it's easy to fall back into it. Which is scary and yet, so normal. I'm just trying to flip my life right-side up again, you know?. I don't even think I answered this question right. lol. Is there a right answer? 11:26 p.m. - 2003-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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