rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::My father wishes I were a Man:: Note: Second entry of the day. (So you all know so you can read the first entry because I'm SOOOOO entertaining.) Sometimes I get the distinct feeling my father wishes I were born a boy. There's this lack of respect I think my father has for me. My father, I swear, was born with a macho attitude. He's the king of the castle, the man of house, the boss and the man in charge. He takes over, everything. he believes that women raise the children, do the laundry, wash the dishes and don't ask questions about their own capabilities. There have been incidents years ago and recently that I won't divulge here for personal reasons but my father does have that attitude. During my sophomore year (one of my more self-destructive and depressing years), I wasn't doing so well in one of my classes. In order to embarrass me my father brought it up in front of the whole family at the dinner table (which he would never do to either of the boys by the way). As the discussion proceeded both us were getting more and more angry with each other. He kept insisting that I was lazy and a social butterfly (never mind the fact that I had no friends and a general anxiety about conversation with anyone unfamiliar). I tried to convince him that I was no lazy nor did I talk too much. He then came to the conclusion that I was stupid bitch and told me this in front of my mother and my brothers. My anger boiled over and retaliated by calling him a sexist asshole. You can imagine after that it was bad. Needless to say since then, we haven't spoken directly about it. He's hinted, and I've hinted right back. I don't doubt my father loves me and I'm not asking for sympathy or pity, because frankly, I don't need it. I don't want my father and me to be like I am with my mother (which isn't going to great either) but nevertheless, what I want it respect. I don't deny that I harbor resent for both my parents (mostly my father though). I think it happened when I was going through adolescence. It became apparent to me that my father is sexist (as much as he and my mother will deny it) and I began to lose respect. I understand that my open-ness, frankness and even intelligence causes my father discomfort. What I'm asking for is simple respect. I hate feeling the need to protect who I am in my parents house. Not once have I felt pride from my father about who I am. Not even when I graduated. I don't even know why I started writing this. I was just laying on my bed thinking about life and the disarray of it all. 10:14 p.m. - 01.06.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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