rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::confession per se:: I have such a hard time talking about my problems it's amazing. I mean, TALKING. Not writing. There's always so much I have to say, but I never say it. I don't want to bring anyone down. I don't want to bring all my problems on everyone so I will sacrifice my feelings to spare others. I can't remember a time where I didn't hesitate at all and actually felt no guilt by talking about something that was upsetting me. It's just how I am, how I've always been. But I think I'm finally getting sick of it. I don't like the idea that I have to bottle up everything in order to avoid things. I'm so willing to push aside my feelings to help other people. I'm so willing to give other people a boost. I'm so willing to listen to everyone else's problems. But no one can help me. It's not that they can't, it's that I won't let them. I often times feel so alone it makes me sick. I get so depressed about things that I will sleep all day long. Never opening my mouth. I keep waiting for someone to give me a hug, to tell me things will get better. I'm waiting for my boost, for the phone to ring, for anything. But no one knows anything is wrong because I haven't told them. It's ironic. I was so afraid that talking about my problems would drive people away but the fact that I never open up is actually driving them away. I just get so scared. It's so odd. Sometimes I just want to spill my life story. lol. And other times I shut up for fear of feeling vulnerable. The best to describe how I feel right now, is lost. I'm lost. Totally and completely. I know what's wrong and I know that I have to work on it. The hard part is actually doing it, as always. I'm just so tired. Now that I go back and read the end of the last entry, I realize how perfect it was. Even though it seemed that I was ranting at people for pissing me off, the end said that the person I was pissed the most at was myself. I think a lot of people don't realize that. That no matter how pissed I might be at them, even though I'm telling them how frustrated I am with them, at the same time I'm always at least 50 times more frustrated with myself. If I can't get out what I want to say, I become extremely self-destructive. I know I'm self-destructive no matter what but more so in these situations. If I can't get things out of me, they have no where else to go but in. I self-destruct or implode if you will. I rip on myself a thousand times more than I do to anyone else. It's just how I've functioned. My life just feels so thrown off track right now. I feel like everything shifted and I'm not quite sure how to set things straight anymore. 10:13 p.m. - 12.03.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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