rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Please Stay:: Suicide is an interesting�state of mind. Not for me, not any more. Not that way. But for some people I care about. Sometimes it's a part of depression, other times it seems to take over. It seems to devour. Some people think it's childish, stupid, immature, the easy way out or selfish. I didn't think any of this�before. Before I was on the other end. Before I got a phone call, an email, an IM from friends who made up their minds. Until I was hurled into that state of panic that made me sick to my stomach. I've seemed to stay even just a little bit, in this state of panic. It's the first thing I think of before I drift off to sleep and it's the first thing I think of when I wake up. Before I fall asleep, will this person make it through the night? And the first thought the moment I wake up, is this person still here today? Is this the last phone conversation, the last hug, the last I Love You, the last time I'll see them? Will I get the phone call today? From a parent, with the bad news? Will the phone call come from another friend? Is today the day, or tomorrow? Or next month? In a year? Will they leave a note? Would I want to read it? They say my friendships with them matter. Do they really? Am I not enough to keep these people alive? What do I have to do to prove it to them? I'm giving as much as I can. Am I over-reacting? Am I worrying too much? I don't necessarily think suicide is childish, stupid or immature�because it's how those people feel. Something has driven them to the point of fantasizing about their own demise. However, it is the easy way out and it is selfish. You realize just how selfish it is when it's the first thought of the day and the last one before you fall asleep. You realize how much you love these people. You imagine your life without them and you cry until you're numb. Panicking, worrying and over-reacting becomes the every day routine. There are no guarantees. That these people will still be there when I wake up. They can't promise me they will stay. And that's what hurts the most. Will today, be that day? 1:35 a.m. - 2003-07-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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