rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::see right through me:: I have this anxiety about saying the wrong things. I get so nervous stepping on eggshells that I just don't say things all together. I would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing. I get so worried about what people are going to say or how they're going to react. I'm pretty sure I didn't have this condition as a child and it seems to have appeared as my depression thrived (lovely baggage). The unfortunate (or not, depending on how you look at it) thing is that I'm pretty transparent, especially to my closer friends. And they can see it in my eyes or hear it in my voice when I'm hesitating and not saying what's really on my mind. For the longest time I liked to be the friend who pretended not to have any problems and I would just focus on everyone else's and try and help them. My friends problems became my problems. And that eventually became the excuse in my head not to handle my problems or run away from them. It was the safe zone. I didn't worry anyone else and I wasn't worried about them worrying. But eventually, like something you could clock, I exploded. And I've been trying my damnedest not to bottle things up. However, now I have this anxiety of saying the wrong things. I fear that my problems might start to annoy someone else. I feel like I might make them worry too much about me or that I might be bringing them down with me. I fear that somethings can't be fixed, somethings you can't work through and I don't want to cause anything like that by something I said. It's something that I've been struggling with for quite some time now, on top of everything else. 11:10 p.m. - 09.19.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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