rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary

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::Speak::

Music of the Moment: Christmas Music.

Some people can easily slide really well right into change. Change is no problem for them. Not me. Just like I can't deal with being an adult, making a decision, talking about my problems or not breaking out into tears within at least twenty-four hours. It just doesn't work.

I've been so lost, so confused, so frustrated that I don't even know where to begin. How about with the biggest problem I seem to being having lately, which is TALKING. I'm practically incapable of talking about any issue I seem to be having. Why? Who knows. I think it's partly the fact that I don't like letting people see the ugly side of me. Which is every side. *cricket cricket* Tough crowd.

I don't like being vulnerable. Well who does? Don't answer that. I'm well aware that a lot of these problems a lot of people have, but I don't care about that right now. lol. See that spot light? Yeah, it's shining on me. Now pay attention.

Most of the time I'm just dying to let out whatever it is that's bothering me. But I hold back. I bottle up EVERYTHING. And just like anything else: Contents under pressure may explode. That's what I've been doing a lot lately. A lot little explosions, mental and emotional breakdowns.

Now you may be saying, "Well Tina, you do seem to have some nice friends, why can't you talk to them about your problems?"

I DON'T KNOW. Some theories:
1) I get nervous, anxious and uncomfortable and often times either stumble over what I'm going to say and then just shut up. Or just never even get started. 2) I don't like being vulnerable or making myself seem less than perfect. I know I'm nothing close to perfect. But I don't like adding more shit to one of my friends already shitty days. I'm willing to sacrifice whatever I have to in order to not impose more shit to a persons day. I don't want to vent my problems if it's going to be annoying for anyone else.

And that's all I got so far. I just want to tell my problems to someone sometimes. I just want to yell them. I want them out of me. I want someone else to know what's going on. I want someone else to understand.

But what I want, and what I do are two seperate things. No matter how badly I want it, the minute I want to talk, I zip my lip. It's become an automatic process. Some people have a an easy time talking about what's going on in their life, what's bothering them. I don't.

There's so much that's been bothering me the last couple of months. So much that is dragging on, pulling me down. But there's nothing I can do about it, like usual. I'm just so frustrated.

It feels like the light at the end of the tunnel just burnt out.

11:35 p.m. - 11.15.03

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