rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Clutter in my Head:: Feeling of the Moment: Loneliness. Just when I feel I'm getting a handle on things, when I feel like I finally have a grasp on something, I let go. I fool myself into thinking that this is a good standstill. That I can have such things. It's impossible for me. One incident throws everything else upside down. It's a chain reaction that I can't seem to stop. It goes from being something I totally fuck up, to something I can't handle, to something I never had any control over in the first place, to feeling like there's no right place for me. Things fall apart so fast and so hard. The feeling becomes overwhelming. This sudden loss of control that's so familiar. I never seem to get used to it. Sometimes it is so predictable and other times I feel like I'm kneeling over the pieces of my heart wondering how it was shattered in the first place. And everyone tells me the same thing. "Welcome to the real world." "What did you expect?" "That's life honey." If this is life, than I have nothing to look forward. Nothing to fill that hole that I feel is buried so deep. If all life is, is disappointment, then why do I try? If I explain to you that I'm tired of doing this day to day, I'm tired of living this and you tell me that this is life, what can you expect of me? Maybe you're stronger than me, more willful. Some people just aren't built that way. Some people can only take so much. That light that was in me, just went out. That little thing called hope that some people have deep within them, I don't have that. I can hope for you, for others, but not for myself. I have none left. I'm exhausted. I can only handle so much. What do you want from me? There's still so much to explain. So much to get out. But I'm so tired. There is much to clarify, explain and analyze. There are so many things I want to say, but don't have the energy for, physically, mentally and emotionally. There are so many "I'm sorry's" to make up for. And many more that still need to be said. 10:41 p.m. - 11.10.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||