rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::\"like I care anymore\":: (Note from Rayofmemory: I'm sorry for this entry, and for those it might offend or whatever. But I just felt and then wrote. This is what came out. This reaction may not be relevent to something someone said, and I don't necessarily mean everything in this entry. Call the comment inspiration for a fragment of writing that is here, and is in no way directed at one person.) I guess the question now is, did you ever? It occured to me how insignificant I am. How much I'm worth, which isn't squat when you look at the big picture. I'm having hard time understanding certain situations that have happened lately. I don't know what to do or say and by then it's too late. I've then fucked up twice. Since the problem is usually one I caused in the first place. "Half the shit I want to tell you, trust me, you don't want to hear." I mean it. Don't ask, if you don't want my opinion, my feelings and my frustration. You say you want me to talk, but the minute I open my mouth, you're exhaling that all knowing 'you're wrong'. I'm human too damnit. And I react, sometimes not in the best ways. I'll apologize. You know that. I would apologize for existing. I'll lay around waiting for the ball and chain. You could tear me apart. You could break my heart. You could choke the life right out of me. You could leave me there to bleed all my regret. You could shatter me, the tears falling to the floor. I deserve it. I'm asking for it. Just say it. Say it damnit. Tell me how much better your life would be, if I simply wasn't here. There would be no one to ruin your day. No one to drag you down. No one to say the wrong things in your ear. No one's ugly face in the mirror. So just say it. I seem to be the only one listening anymore anyways. Break me. Maybe it will be easier for you to walk away. Because here I float, drowning in an ocean of my tears. *** An email to a friend: I guess the easiest way to put it is, I'm starting to realize the denial I've been living in. I'm starting to realize all my terrible faults and how they affect the people around me, mostly the people I love. I'm starting to become more aware of the horrible person I am. I'm the person I've always hated. I've also lately, forgotten how to deal with certain issues. I just freeze, over-react or don't react at all. I don't which one is worse. I'm starting to realize all the things I put myself and others through. I've noticed the very bad friend I am. And when you notice that in yourself, when you realize the person you truly are, how do you measure your worth? I guess I'm just at a roadblock, and I don't know how to get past it. 10:02 p.m. - 2003-09-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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