rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Sick of God's charade:: something I wrote down. second hour: It took me ten minutes to convince myself it was worth getting out of bed this morning. I was pretty much running from all orifices. Adding a sore throat, headache, and stomach ache. Last night when I was on the phone with AngelShadow, I yelled at him for taking sleeping pills bcuz people can and do get addicted and can't sleep without them. Around midnight last night I downed some aspirin bcuz it makes me fall asleep. Irony, gotta hate it. I'm addicted to fucking aspirin. Well, not really. Not yet anyways. So I finally convinced myself to get up this morning. I was running really late cuz I woke up late�plus I wasn't feeling so good. After spending a good twenty minutes in the bathroom and still having a stomachache I was getting a little testy and irritated. I hurry up and grab all my shit for school and get dressed. Then I can't find the hair brush. And I can't go into the bathroom to get one since my dad is in the shower. By that time�I feel like complete shit, I'm running around the house like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready and I can't find anything I'm looking for. So I just lost it. I ran into my room slamming the door, plop on my bed and cry(didn't do my nose any good) for about ten minutes. I was just so upset and so out of it. I just kept thinking 'what if I scream(wouldn't do my throat much good) right now? Just let it all out and refuse to deal with anymore bullshit. How long will it actually take for me to break?' It was probably the shortest emotional breakdown I've ever had. Usually I freak out for a couple of hours to a couple of days. That�s one thing I really don't like about having a mental illness like Major Depression. Well, mine anyway�I get these sudden outbursts of just extreme emotional�whatever. I don't even know why I'm talking about this. 11:30(went home during lunch): Well, pretty much once I got in the door my mum reminded me of what a failure I am. That's all I ever am any more�a bigfatugly failure. Yah, well, my response to that one is 'if daddy hadn't unzipped his pants, and if mum hadn't spread her legs', they wouldn't have any bigass mistake to worry about. 2:29: I love it when mum goes on and on about how her day off is ruined. How she never gets to spend it doing what she really wanted to do. Puh-leeze. If I really got to do what I wanted to do on my days off (weekends)�I'd be dead by now. 3:00: Love. Gotta hate it. Don't understand it. Don't even know why the hell I am thinking about it. I'll prolly be alone forever anyways. It wouldn't surprise me. 3:28 p.m. - 2002-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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