rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::When Walls Cave In:: Note: Second entry of the day. Yesterday we were sitting around the table playing Yatzee (Mutti, Mike, Paulie, Mat and myself) and Mutti was talking about how she had to take this test today for her new job and then she had this orientation and I was like, "Woohoo! I'll have the house to myself for a while." And I knew as the words were coming out of my mouth that I had jinxed myself. Sure enough, I wake up late this morning in my white tank-top and underwear (what? At least I didn't say I slept in the buff last night, this entry would be more interesting if I would of started my day off like that.) and I'm just about to walk out of my room dressed like that when I get this weird feeling. I don't hear anything out of the ordinary...but I decided to slip a jimjam shirt on just in case. I peer outside my door and there's Paulie, just chillin' on the couch in his jimjams, a bucket next to the couch. I roll my eyes, sigh and say good (not really) morning. I like being home alone. I like that I can take piss with the bathroom door open or walk around the house wearing whatever (or not) because no one is home. No such luck today. The rest of the day was alright, considering I didn't get my dream day alone. For some odd reason I got a little hostility from Mutti for about 15 minutes in the late afternoon and I don't know why. I think it was because Mike went to his friend's house after school without calling and she was twitchy about it. Who knows? He finally calls and I'm supposed to go pick him up at seven. So I decide that I'm not going to start my movie until after I go and pick him up instead of having to pause in the middle of it and then watch the rest when I get home. Well at about 6:30 Mike shows up home because one of his friends gives him a lift. Fine. Now I can start my movie. I knew I shouldn't of watched it. It was The Passion of the Christ. I have an issue with religion. Hell, I have many issues with religion (but that's a whole other entry). And I should of known that with all the emotional breakdowns I've been having lately and my issues with religion that I shouldn't of watched the movie. But no, I must do the stupid thing. So I ended up crying through the whole movie (not for the reasons people might think) and end up being a total emotional wreck. After I calmed down a bit and bottled it all inside I called Mat to talk to him about our current project. Half-way through the conversation I end up a sobbing mess. Thankfully he was able to comfort me enough to get me to stop crying, for a while. I get off the phone with him, then almost everyone in my house pisses me off for a million different reasons (not getting into it). Suddenly I forgot where the hell I was going with this entry. I think I just wanted to vent. My depression is severely weighing down on me, little things are making me fly off the handle, I'm totally stressed out and I'm an emotional wreck. I think I just wanted to say that I had a bad day...a bad week...a bad year...which now feels like a bad life. I want to break something. I want to break myself. I want to curl myself into some dark corner. I'm going to get some sleep and hopefully have a better day tomorrow. (But most likely not.) 11:13 p.m. - 10.04.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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