rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Confession: Honesty:: Song of the Moment: �Black Hole Sun� ~ Soundgarden I hate being sick. No, no, no. I really hate being sick. I think that lately I�ve been so mentally and emotionally upset that I made myself physically sick. Things feel like they are slowly dipping back down. I feel like the cycle is starting over again. I really don�t know why either. Sometimes I think I�ve got it figured out, then it turns out I was completely off target. In a way I feel like I�m at the end of the rope and I feel like no one is going to pull me back up. I get so lost, so alone that I don�t know where to turn or who to turn to. Then I have that going on and normally something else goes wrong and I just get so overwhelmed that it�s hard to figure out which problem is which and if one resulted in the other. It�s very easy to get lost in it all. There�s always a million different things pulling at the strings holding me up, it becomes comfortable to just fall down. I�m constantly battling my inner demons. However, at times I think this is normal. This is what I�m supposed to go through. This is what everyone goes though. Everyone gets confused and justifies and analyses and tries to figure out who they are...and some people get lost along the way. It just becomes so silent sometimes that I want to scream and have the whole world turn their heads and look at me. I want everyone to see that something is wrong here. But is there anything wrong? Isn�t this just normal? Maybe there is nothing wrong and I want there to be. I want there to be something wrong to clarify my fear, my rages, my tears. I want answers. I want things to be explainable. But you can�t fix something that is not broken. And sometimes broken things just need to be let go. Forgotten treasures. Sometimes that�s what I think I am. A forgotten treasure. Something that someone used to enjoy. Something someone wanted to play with, wanted to be around, wanted to hear from. Now I feel like such a burden. I drag people down sometimes. Is that normal? Sometimes I just want to talk, to vent...but does that person have to be in my state of mind to feel it? Just listen. I can only go with the flow for so long before I become tired, overwhelmed. In a way I know what I have to do to make things alright again. But it seems like such a long journey, that I don�t want to take. I feel sometimes I don�t have the energy for it. It would just be easier to sit here and stay in this place. I need to stop pretending. I need to stop hesitating and just get the words out. I need to start doing the things I want to do, without worrying about what everyone else thinks. I need to speak my mind and not let people walk all over me. I need to speak when someone says something that upsets me instead of just sitting there and taking it. Because when I do that, then I go home and dwell on what I should�ve said. I need to clear my mind and figure out what�s important to me. I need to start doing things that make me happy. I need to not be so damn shy anymore. I have to be willing to take risks rather than sit here and wonder what if. I knew this all before and then some. It just feels good to get it out of me and somewhere else. I took a right turn and I want to continue to go down that road. It�s not going to me easy and I know that. Time might seem like the enemy, but sometimes time is all I need. I�m scared of what the future will bring. Hell, I�m terrified. But I want to make it. And if I want it bad enough, and I believe there�s hope, I have faith in myself, then I will. Welcome to Life. 11:37 a.m. - 2003-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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