rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Felt Compelled I've noticed my problem with online diaries. It's supposed to be my diary, where I can share my emotions, secrets and opinion. But somewhere along the line it stops being my diary and becomes everyone else. Somewhere along the line I start writing what others want to read and not really what I feel. I want that to stop, and I think it will�whether it's in this diary or elsewhere (when I get that goddamn domain). There's this feeling that isn't going away. I'm digging deeper than rock bottom. Sometimes it's just there, underlying and other times it amplifies and seems to take over. There's something lacking. And I don't know what it is. But I know it's there. Like a void, this empty space deep where I can't reach it. It's taking over. That emptiness. It feels like a swarm of something lonely. Darkness. And I'm so tired. I'm so lost. Choking. But there's a war going on in my head. There's a cloud over my heart and a war in my head. I'm constantly battling myself. Sometimes I forget what I'm fighting for. I forget what the tears are for, I just cry. It's not easy, to get up in the morning and face the day. But I do. I keep falling and getting back up and dusting myself off and keep going. That's life. You just have to keep going. The hits come and you have to take it in stride. I know this, but sometimes it gets unbearable. I feel like I'm fighting all alone. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel vulnerable. And I know a lot of people do�but it's more than that. I'm consumed. And I know that there are people who care and love about me, I know that. But this isn't something they can fix. This isn't something that they can talk me out of. I have to do this. And it's hard to continue carrying myself. I don't even know where I'm going with this, I just started typing. All I know is there was this feeling. This feeling that I couldn't get to go away. That nothing turns out. I can't help myself or anyone else. This feeling of being a waste. I'm constantly wishing for things to be different. And some things I wish would stay exactly the same when I know they won't. Some things just overwhelm me. I hate feeling so helpless. 9:12 p.m. - 01.11.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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