rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Don't Like This:: A while ago I couldn't figure out why it was that I choked up so badly when it came to expressing something personal to me. I'm always hesitating or keeping my mouth shut. I don't write me feelings down and when I do it's in metaphor (or vagueness) or written down to be hidden or then thrown away so no one can read it. I often catch myself clicking the "put in private entry" folder of my diary when writing an extremely personal entry. I've determined that the reason I hesitate is because those issues still strike way too close to home. I'm not far away enough from those problems to talk outloud about them. And quite possibly, I never will be. It's a security issue. I don't feel secure enough from those problems to admit them. I feel like one open wound sometimes. I just get over-sensitive and over-emotional. I don't feel comfortable talking about my problems. Never have. Sometimes I think they're too childish. Other times, too personal, too much of an open wound, too much for me to say outloud. Words sometimes cannot express. I hold back a lot, more than I realize. And it's not that I don't want to tell someone, I do. I just can never find the words. 9:57 p.m. - 10.08.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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