rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::not so perfect:: So, I kind of lost my temper today. Ah, who am I kidding? I flew off the handle. I just hung up the phone, walked in my room and suddenly everything looked ugly. So childish...everything I create is shit. So I just did what my first impulse was. Tore it down. I ripped a decent amount of posters and collages off the walls. I'm going to finish the walls tomorrow. Go through all the drawers. I want to get rid of all the junk. I want my room to be spotless and empty again. For a while I was irritated that there was nothing creative in my room. All my friends rooms seemed to reflect who they were. Not mine. Mine was bare. And then I filled it all up. With collages, poster, pictures, papers about causes I believed in. The only one I'm really skeptical about taking down is the one I call the "tack board confessional". That board is cluttered unbelievably with drawings, magazine clippings, blank cds, wrappers, money...you name it, and it's probably tacked up there somewhere. Hmmm, I wonder if there's a nice date-able girl tacked up there somewhere. I should check. I kind of want to take it apart just to see whats all under there. But I told Mat today that I almost want someone else there to help me with it, to see all the things I've collected over the past four-five years. He said he would come over when I wanted to do it. So we'll see. So I've decided that I want the walls to be bare again. I want the clutter gone. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking if I clear some of the clutter around here, I'll be able to clear some of the clutter in my head. Who knows. The condition of my room seems to be the only thing I can control anymore. I've been frustrated a lot lately, about a million things. Mostly, I don't think I'm the person I thought I was. When I was growing up, people would listen to me, I was always able to get through to people...not anymore. I can't say what I really want to say without stuttering or holding back. Anytime someone wants to know if there is something wrong or how I'm doing, they have to read my diary. It's my way of communication. Which seems sad to me sometimes. I should be able to express my thoughts and feelings, but I can't. I hesitate and then second guess and end up not saying anything at all because I think it might be a bad idea. I'd rather say nothing at all than the wrong thing. I've been running away from a lot of my problems as well. It's easier to run than fix some of the problems. Denial. It easy to pretend things are ok when they are really not. I've been able to get through a couple of my issues lately with the help of my friends. I <3 all of them. But sometimes I just don't feel comfortable talking about my problems. I've been a little too hypocritical lately too. I keep yelling at people to stop doing some of the things I do too. That has got to stop. It drives me crazy. But it's really hard to catch myself being hypocritical until it's done and over with. I guess I've just always had the same attitude, "All the rules apply to you, not me." Which isn't true. I just want people to be able to be honest with me. I don't think I've given them a reason to do otherwise. I'm just mostly pissed, frustrated, regretful, and ashamed of myself and some of the things I've done and said. I have to stop ignoring my problems and try to get through them. I have to start being a little more honest with people, mostly if they hurt my feelings or I feel there is something they need to know. I just seem to be always longing for something perfect that does not exist. 9:01 p.m. - 2003-09-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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