rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::Jenny: You look like you need some Prozac.:: I have been procrastinating lately. I think my subconscious believes that if I procrastinate long enough, whatever it is that I'm procrastinating about will just disappear. Sort of like when I stop eating hoping that my body will forget the need for food. There is something about procrastinating that makes me feel like a hypocrite. Like when I give advice to one of my friends that I really should take myself. Or when I tell a friend not to do something and then I do it the next day, week, month or year. And like clockwork, one of my friends will not hesitate to point the mistake out. I'll laugh a little and shrug it off but on the inside I'll be secretly hating myself more and more. Honesty has a price tag and I hate that. Things somehow always have a way of coming back biting me in the ass. Karma. Three-fold law. Bad luck. Whatever you want to call it, I've got plenty of it. I've been so depressed lately that I can't describe it. There is only one word for it and that is depressed. And who isn't depressed these days. Depression has become more of the "norm" than anything else so it seems pointless to point it out. Hi my name is Christina and I have depression. Get in line honey. Depression is so common now a days that people aren't lying anymore when they say, "Oh, you're just going through normal teenage stuff." I could be more specific. Major depression. Which is depression, just longer. It's probably terrible how much I question it, since everyone tells me I should just get over it. "Jesus Tina! Can't you just be happy for once?" Yeah. I can be happy a lot of times. When things go my way, I can smile, for a while. When my best friend calls or comes over, sure, I can be happy and genuinely happy. But deep rooted within me is a sadness that no one seems to understand. It just gets harder and harder to wake up each morning. I can't look at my own reflection anymore. And I know that maybe tomorrow, or one day this week or the next one, I'll be able to roll out of bed without a problem. But it's those days where it's so hard to breathe that wear me down and it makes it that much harder to believe. I don�t know what I want out of life. I don't know if I ever even expected much. Always guilty and always ashamed. I'm so willing to catch someone else when they begin to fall. You have no idea. I would sacrifice everything my whole being to cushion someone else's fall, especially those who are closest to me. I would do it in a heartbeat. But I wonder, who would do it for me? I'm not saying that I totally doubt the idea of someone catching me, I just wonder why. And here we go, back to the hypocritical explanation. Where I now feel like shit for the feelings I carry. Where I think that all the things I have written are wrong and my feelings are wrong and I'm a horrible friend, a horrible person. This is the part where I hope that someone reads this and just steps back for a second and understands. This is also the part where I hope that my friends don't hate me for the person that I am, but realize that I'm struggling as well, and sometimes we need to cushion each others fall and help one another. Because deep-down that's what I want. To survive this journey. As hard as it can be and even through all the struggling and the unbearably hard times, I want to at least know for sure if it was worth it. Even if it is hard to see myself get through this journey, I would give my everything to see you spread your wings and fly. 8:16 p.m. - 05.17.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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