rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::wrong with me:: Maybe I am just bullshitting myself. Maybe I need an excuse so I cannot be so attached, so clingy. Maybe I need a reason to stay away. And if the answer is not right there, there are other means. I thought maybe my self-destructiveness had to do with it. Lately people have been on my case about me bashing myself. So I stopped. And I noticed a tear in some of my friendships, that I have caused. I thought it was happening because I needed something to shatter, and I couldn't do it to myself anymore. I needed something to lash out at. Something to get rid of the anger. So I lashed out at the person closest to me. I didn't even really know I was doing it until it was over. It made me sick to my stomach. I'm like Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. One minute I'm the friend, the one who cares, the one who loves my friends more than life itself. The next I want to push them away, I want them to leave me alone, and I want to be left alone, so I can rot. I know things don't work that way. But it seems that either I implode or explode. I need to find a better way to lash out my anger or my frustration. It's not fair to them. It's not fair because they don't deserve it, at all. Things have just been in such a mess, such a jumble. It's hard to figure out anything anymore. I'm trying to work on myself, but it seems impossible when there are so many things about me that I hate. That I wish I could change. I either feel like crying or screaming all the time. I'm a terrible person. So selfish.
Written in Writing Workshop: The first day back as I walk through the door and a giant of a senior hits my shoulder nearly knocking me off balance. Nervousness or maybe even slight panic as I search through halls of faces looking for my friends. Once I find them we walk by classrooms looking for familiar numbers and familiar teachers. The first bell rings and people scramble from lockers and walk into the rooms. I sit in the farthest desk in the way back. The teacher introduces herself and starts a 'meet and greet' game and that's when I tune out. I begin to think of things I'd rather be doing on this summer morning. I'd rather be in bed with the fan whirring across the room. Someplace where I cannot be disturbed. Someplace quiet. Darkness It's dark and cold and I'm numb. I've been laying here on my grandmothers porch for an hour. Everything is still. The snow is glistening and the street lights are humming. Time felt frozen or maybe endless instead. Not a thought in my head. I laid there staring at the snow feeling the cold air freeze my throat, leaving icicles in my lungs. I'm so torn about him being so close. Lately I've been pushing him away out of fear. Fear of nothing really. I have nothing to fear. He's the most wonderful person in the world. Nothing is wrong with him. Everything is wrong with me. 10:09 p.m. - 2003-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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