rayofmemory's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::scattered to be organized:: Does the bad outweigh the good yet? Honestly, I feel worthless. I truly believe that I'm pretty shitty friend or human being for that matter. I feel like the dent in everyone's life. Or if I'm not, I just have a tendency to make that dent deeper. I always thought that no one was listening to what I had to say. I now realize that there are people listening, I'm just not speaking up. When I want to say something�the minute I open my mouth, I choke. I really need to work on my communication skills. I need to be honest with myself and others. I have to start telling the whole truth and not part of it, since that's just as bad as lying. I have to make it habit not to repeat the same mistakes. That's all I feel like anymore, just a bunch of mistakes ready to fuck up someone's life. I'm not trying hard enough apparently. I have to lose the motto "all the rules apply to you and not me". I can't expect more from you than I expect from myself. It's not right to ask you something and want to know and then you to ask me the same and I shut my trap. I can't expect more from you. I put people on pedestals to quickly. I admit to being a hypocrite. Everyone is. Everyone at some point or another has gone back on something they said, or completely contradicted it. It's natural. It's human. What's wrong is then I won't look in the mirror when I say some of the things I do to you. It's not right of me to assume you are not admitting your denial when I haven't admitted mine. I have to not be so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Amazingly enough I don't have a lot of regrets. Wait, that's not right. I try not to dwell on regrets. What's done is done and I have to go from there. I can't backtrack and fix things that way, so there must be progress in the other direction. I can only do my part afterwards, and I understand that. I also must learn to accept myself for who I am. Outside as well as in. I must allow myself to improve or evolve and then accept those changes. Sometimes doing that on the inside is easier than the outside. Sometimes I feel I must conform to society's opinion of how I should look and be accepted or say fuck society and be who I am and be alone. I'm torn on this subject. I just want to be happy or content with who I am and my life. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. This entry was just a vent to organize some of the thoughts that we're floating around in my head earlier today and after re-reading everything I typed it makes me exhausted thinking or all the things that I need to improve. I'm just so tired that I would sometimes rather not exist than work so hard at something that doesn't seem achievable. I know what I have to do, I know what's wrong�I'm just all out of energy. 8:03 p.m. - 10.16.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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